What We Do in Bed

This is a view of my husband’s nightstand:

Amazon Kindle

When we first snuggle into bed, we both read.

What did you think I was going to say, gutterheads?

I read good old-fashioned paperback books. T reads from his Kindle, usually. We each have a small light on our nightstand.

It generally takes about five minutes before I’m dropping off to sleep. I shut my light and pull the covers over my head. This is in part to block out T’s light and in part to keep the vampires from biting my neck.

Residual childhood issues. The ear must be covered.

T used to read on for a few more minutes, then shut his light. Lately, and despite multiple polite requests from me, he has taken to reading for a half-hour to an hour longer, or more. Invariably, after about twenty minutes, the still-blazing light wakes me up.

I am not pleasant when I get woken up.

Actually, I’m almost never pleaseant. But especially not when I get woken up.

The other night I was so angry that I couldn’t fall back to sleep for what seemed like ages and when I finally did, I tossed and turned and slept as if I had not just a pea, but an entire vegetable crop under my mattress. A rotting, bumpy, lumpy, smelly, slimy vegetable crop.

Because I’m such a rational person, I decided that I would approach this conflict in a mature manner.

No, I did not take his Kindle outside and run it over with my car. That would in no way be satisfying.

If I were going to do something like that, I would first smash the shit out of it with a ball peen hammer, then tie it to my rear bumper with fishing line so that it could bounce and drag along behind me on my way to work. And I would make darn sure I was driving in front of my husband.

But, no. Instead I left him a little note inside of his Kindle.

Kindle Love Note 

If you want to read this book,

At the clock you must look.

A full five minutes is the max

Before you have to put me back.

Any longer, you must leave

And take the light where you will read.

Your wife is tired, so please be nice,

And in five minutes SHUT THE LIGHTS!!!

I briefly contemplated making the last two lines:

If more than five you read in bed,

You effing wife will kill you dead.

But, I didn’t.

I’m nice that way.

Does your spouse read in bed? Do you read, too? Or does it drive you crazy?

Speaking of spouses driving you crazy, time is running out to vote in the latest “Tell Me” poll. So far all 11 of my readers have voted (thank you, peeps!), but if you know anyone else who might like to vote, please pass the word!


7 responses to “What We Do in Bed

  1. Ooo, how clever!

    As a young J.O., it’s common to have him with his laptop in bed working until late. I’m either awesome or part-catatonic as I can sleep through much of anything. Or, working myself. Sometimes I help him with his work as he needs an English degree/writing eye to fully edit his work.

    I have a semi-strict adherence to no tv’s in the bedroom, but the laptop is another thing. The laptop brings home the bacon. I like bacon. :)

  2. Love the little limerick! And WOW, I thought I was the only one who HAS to have her ear covered. I have a “squishy” that I cover my head with. (It’s a red and pink caterpillar from our first Valentine’s Day together. LOL. Before that it was my Lion King lion, Simba. )
    I too read in bed. But it doesn’t bother the Hubby (who doesn’t read at all), he can sleep through anything. I assume it’s because when he was in regular Army, he had to fall asleep wherever and whenever he could; no matter what the conditions. I could have all the lights blazing and it wouldn’t bother him.
    And I can read all night… It’s hard for me to put a book down. :P

  3. therecoveringbrit

    Love it! I bought Mark a Kindle for Christmas & he adores it. This makes me happy, but it also annoys the crap out of me because he too loves to read in bed, & the light drives me nuts as well.

  4. I don’t read in bed. I read on the couch and he can watch TV if he wants.

  5. So how did the note work out for you? I think you should have added the last 2 lines, but that is just me. lol

  6. I prefer the alternate ending myself.

    B reads in bed until I come in the room. Then he stops. Possibly cause I shut off the lights.

  7. Now that is hysterical! I have to say I am just like you. Do NOT wake me up. Do NOT keep me up with your lights. Do NOT start talking to me when I am sleeping. You WILL be sorry! LOL
    Great post!

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